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From: Ellen-Marie Silverman
Date: 14 Oct 2007
Time: 11:05:39 -0500
Remote Name: 64.12.117.67
[[ " . . . When working with clients, when teaching, etc.. how do you work with the people who seem more resistant to change? (i.e. people who seem afraid of change, want to change certain things about themselves but are so afraid that things might be different then for them in their lives, etc..)? Are there any techniques or words that you have used in the past to help comfort them or to help them move on so they really try to work on what they want to?"]] >>> Hello, Ross, I feel I need to make several comments about how I approach therapy in general before I make an attempt to be specific about how I work with people, which would be most people, fearful of the change they say they would like to have. First of I all, I have worked very hard to reduce my tendency to "Rescue" people, i.e., students, clients, caregivers, and to partner with them instead. A "Rescuer" attempts to single-handedly shoulder the task of changing or fixing someone else, who they sometimes drag kicking and screaming through the ordeal. A "Partner" helps establish an egalitarian relationship where each paraticipant has full responsibility to do his or her part to acceomplish mutually agreed upon goals. As a, hopefully, meaningful aside, I happened to watch the film "Freedom Writers" yesterday based on one teacher's inspired teaching of high-risk, high school students in Los Angeles in the '90's and was struck by how the teacher, Erin Gruwell, exemplified Partnering rather than Rescuing in her credible, effective teaching of English. If you haven't seen it or read the book on which it is based, I would encourage you to see it and/or read the book. Second, I relate to the person or people in front of me as people first, students, clients, caregivers second. In other words, I work with people first, problems second. And Third, I do not put my energy into trying; I put it into doing. And I expect those with whom I work to do the same. >>> I use humor based and paradoxical intention infused with compassion to challenge students', clients', and caregivers' untenable thoughts and counter-productive behavior. For example, with one person who told me he wanted to earn a bachelor's degree but felt at 22 he was too old to start because he would be at least 26 when he finally graduated, I said, "Well, wouldn't you rather be 26 with a bachelor's degree than 26 without one?" He caught the irony, laughed, and shortly thereafter applied to college and graduated four years later. A tinge of humor works very well to soften otherwise hardened points-of-view and help individuals really think about their situation and realize how much power is in their hands to direct their lives rather than in the hands of others, who they are prone to blame for their current circumstances. I do not accept excuses; I encourage personal responsibility. >>> I do not continue to provide therapy in the present with individuals who, after discussion with me about the importance of working for the specific goals they claim to want, still do not work for it. The same is true for students. I remind them in a kindly and truthful manner that therapy/classes are for people who want to do the work. If they do not want to work at this particular point-in-time, then there is no reason to continue therapy/stay in class. If, later, they want to work, knowing what is involved in terms of their active participation, then therapy or the class may be a viable option. >>> Well, Ross, you raised some basic, important issues. I hope these comments provide some extra material for consideration or, maybe, some affirmation. Thank you for taking the time to read "Creating Conditions for Change" and provide the feedback you did. Sincerely, Ellen-Marie Silverman