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From: Pamela Mertz
Date: 11 Oct 2008
Time: 21:25:36 -0500
Remote Name: 24.195.241.203
Jen, thanks for the kind words and good questions. I went to speech therapy in third grade, while in public school. I don't know how that happened, whether the school made the referral or what. It wasn't my father. I don't remember much about therapy. I didn't find it particularly useful, except I remember I loved my speech therapist. She was pleasant and nice, and made me feel special, which was not really happening anywhere else for me. Her name was the same as mine, so I called her Miss Pam. I think that's why I felt connected to her. After third grade, my father switched us to Catholic school, and speech therapy was no longer provided. The only way I could have continued getting therapy would have been through private-pay, and I learned years later that my father refused to pay for it. (My mother told me that. She also told me that she felt guilty for not having done more, in one of the few times we have talked about stuttering as an adult.)So that one school year's worth of therapy was it, until adulthood, two years ago. As I say in my paper, those early messages of disapproval was made me try to hide my stuttering. I do think my dad felt I could control it, if only I tried. I think he felt it was a flaw that could be corrected if I just put my mind to it. The specific moment, my "rock bottom" came when I was fired from my long time job, due to stuttering and my fears about disclosing thats what was really going on. That, and the feeling that I wasn't being true to myself is what finally made me decide I had to embrace my stuttering and not hide it anymore. I am not 100% open all of the time, maybe close to 90% (smile) but I am ok with that too, recognizing I am not perfect. Again, thanks for the good questions. -- Pam