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From: Alan (to Katie)
Date: 23 Oct 2009
Time: 14:23:59 -0500
Remote Name: 84.68.54.162
Hi Katie, Thank you for taking the time to read my paper and participate in the threaded discussion. I apologise for the slight delay in responding. I am always heartened when I receive feedback from SLP graduate students, as I feel that such interaction is to our mutual benefit. For the majority of my life, I attempted to conceal my stutter by resorting to a wide array of avoidance strategies, the principal being extensive use of word substitution. Despite my efforts to hide it from the world at large, there were occasions when I stuttered severely, especially when it was either impossible, or impracticable, to change the words around. A perfect example was when I gave evidence in court. The oath comprised 23 words, 19 of which I had convinced myself I could not say. It was a disaster. I was subsequently removed from operational duties and transferred to an administrative role when a supervisor wrote (of me), “When this officer gives evidence in court, he is an embarrassment to all”. My reliance upon word substitution continued until May 2000 when I enlisted the services of a stuttering management programme in the UK. Having acquired new techniques/tools, I made the decision to adopt a zero-tolerance policy to all kinds of avoidance. For the first time in my life, I gained an understanding of the implications of avoidance strategies. No-one had previously told me that every time I avoided a word/letter/sound/situation the fear level in respect of that word/letter/sound/situation increased. Avoidance was, in effect, fuelling the fear and creating further avoidances. It involved so much effort and energy. I was finally determined to say whatever word I wanted to say; I was determined to speak in situations that I had previously avoided. I simply wanted to free myself from the shackles that restrained me – I wanted greater freedom. I purposely introduced several of my ‘feared words’ into my routine speech throughout the day. I said them when the pressure was off – I said them when it wasn’t essential for me to say them. In other words, I became pro-active, as opposed to being re-active. Fortunately, I had a new speaking technique and tools that made it easier for me to say those words. It felt strange saying words that I had always avoided but it gave me a great deal of satisfaction to utter the vocabulary of my choice. I was no longer allowing my fear to influence my selection of words. I was saying the most appropriate words, rather than settling for words that I believed were easier to say. Every time I said one of my challenging words, the following message was transmitted to my subconscious, “Hey Alan, you’ve just said ‘Son’; you’ve just said ‘Pen’ etc”. For so many years, the message had been “You can’t say ‘Son’; you can’t say ‘Pen’ etc”. These positive experiences helped to reduce my anticipatory fear because I had evidence that I could, after all, say those (and other) words. But change is unlikely to occur overnight – it takes time and practice to become proficient at any skill/behaviour. When a PWS begins saying words that he/she has always avoided, it is inevitable that (in the first instance) he/she may appear to be more dysfluent. I accompanied my zero-tolerance policy (to avoidance) with one of greater openness. I advertised the fact that I was not a fluent speaker by (intermittently) using voluntary/pseudo stuttering. But this was totally unlike my ‘out-of-control’ stuttering which struck indiscriminately (and without any warning). My use of voluntary stuttering was deliberate – I created the dysfluency when and where I required it. I was in control. Revealing my ‘darkest secret’ to all and sundry lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. When you indicate to your listeners that you have a propensity to stutter, then they are unlikely to be surprised should you have occasion to stutter. This act of self-disclosure had the effect of removing the inner turmoil (and attempts to provide instant synonyms) that had, hitherto, been present throughout my waking hours. I no longer cared that others might hear me stutter. Having relieved myself of that constant anxiety, word substitution and the fear of being ‘found out’, my stuttering lessened. In addition, I decided to speak openly about my stutter at every opportunity – even with strangers that I encountered in the street, in restaurants, at airports, on trains – in fact, anywhere. :-) It had a hugely desensitizing effect. For most of my life, I attempted to fool my listeners into believing that I was a fluent speaker. I now realise that I was, in fact, living a lie because I was still stuttering on the inside. Today, I say exactly what I want to say - it is so exhilarating. I no longer have to accept second best by selecting inferior vocabulary. Before I close, I should like to qualify my above comments by saying that we are all responsible for the paths that we follow in life. Whilst I feel that it is perfectly proper for SLPs to apprise their clients of the implications of avoidance, the decision whether or not to forsake their covertness lies with each individual. Their views must be respected. And, finally, you may be interested in reading the following poem that I composed for the 2004 ISAD Online Conference: ‘CHANGING THE WORDS AROUND’’ http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/isad7/papers/badmington7/badmington17.html Katie, I wish you every success with your studies. Kindest regards Alan