Dealing with Chronic Sorrow and the Loss of a "Fluent Child" (a personal story)

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Re: Lots of questions

From: Scott Palasik
Date: 06 Oct 2010
Time: 09:21:54 -0500
Remote Name: 131.95.172.211

Comments

Elissa, Good morning! I wanted to congratulate you on bringing up two great points: values and living in the middle way! Fantastic stuff! You may be asking yourself “I didn’t say anything about ‘values’”, let me explain with another story about anger. About a year ago I came face to face with the amount of “anger” I was CHOOSING to hold on to. The amount of anger hit me while I was yelling at my father (if you ask anyone who knows me they will say I am not a yeller)…In those shame filled, guilt filled and sadness filled moments it struck me like a ton of bricks that I was angry and I knew how long I had been choosing to be angry…I then spent several weeks sitting with this idea of “why am I choosing to react this way? Why have I chosen to be angry since I was five” I cried and sat and I realized I was reacting to thoughts I have had since I was kid…Thoughts that went as far back as five years old… Thoughts that I had chosen to “hold on” to and be angry about over and over and over again throughout my childhood, adolescents, and adulthood…I then asked myself, “What has all of this anger gotten me?”…So, being a writer (creatively and professionally as well as a way to release thoughts) I sat down and wrote this list of “what anger has gotten me”: Anger has perpetuated my fears (fears of talking, fears of being inadequate, fears of loneliness, all fears), anger as made me insecure, anger has caused me to CHOOSE to project my feeling of anger out on other people which I then regret and then turns into thoughts of trying to take them back my reactions followed by feelings of “guilt”, “remorse”, “sadness”, and “Shame”, Anger has produced MORE anxiety in my life, anger has gotten me nothing…I sat there after writing this list and asked, “Well, who am I then?” (this is where values come in). After reading a lot contextual psychology about values (mostly ACT treatment) I decided to write down my values, and here is that list: I value being a kind person (to myself and others), I value being an honest person (to myself and others), I value being a compassionate person (to myself and others), I value being a healthy person (mentally and physically), I value being a good listeners (for myself and others)…It then occurred to me that anger was nowhere on that list and not only that, anger was in direct CONFLICT with those values. The values I listed above are the ideas I wish to live for the rest of my life, and anger was in direct conflict with those value. That opened my eyes forever…Now, you might be thinking “that is positivism and not allowing for the ups and downs of life” (if you thought that, I agree, I thought that same thought!!!). This is where living in the “middle way” came in for me. Living in the “middle way” is an old eastern philosophy that is over 4000 years old. What is means is living in the middle of the road with our thoughts. How often to we run in to “pain” filled thoughts and want to pull to one side of the road or another (getting stuck in those thoughts). Living the “middle way” is a practice of encouraging ourselves “not to judge what arises in minds…not to grasp what arises in our minds…not to call thoughts good or bad, just acknowledge them as thoughts.” (Chodron, 2000 & 2008). This practice allows a person to come in contact (face to face) with thoughts, all thoughts - the good and challenging thoughts, joy filled thoughts and pain filled thoughts, and look at them, equally. It also allows a person to create “options” to choose from. Options to choose reactions to those thoughts. How does that relate to “stuttering” for me, I now choose not to fight against stuttering, I choose to walk with it. Why? Because for me anger has gotten me nothing, fighting against stuttering just produces more anxiety which caused me to stutter more, doubt myself more and didn’t give any options for moving forward. So many years I would “wishing” stuttering would go away and telling myself “If only I didn’t have this I would be able too…”. What this type of thoughts did for me is take me away from the “moment”, it took me away from reality. Really, all I have is the “now”, is this “moment.” In this moment I am grateful for having this conversation with you… This moment is where I am…For me, that is living in the “middle way”… ALL of that being said, if you agree with ANY of the above, GREAT! If you disagree with ANY of the above GREAT!...Differences are what make us unique, they make us humans, which is a good thing.....Thank you again for your thoughts and for sharing them. This dialogue (like any conversation) CAN be a great time for learning and growth for everyone involved....I welcome any of your thoughts, as always… with kindness and compassion, Scott


Last changed: 10/06/10