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From: Scott Palasik
Date: 13 Oct 2010
Time: 10:59:19 -0500
Remote Name: 131.95.172.211
Katie, Hi! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about yourself and your child. This idea of chronic sorrow is not unique to stuttering (in fact, as far we know, this maybe the first time the concept has been brought to the field of stuttering). As you know, the feeling o being "inadequate and wondering if I am doing the right thing, blaming myself" (quote from you) are all part of this concept of chronic sorrow. I want to say this clear, I give parents so much credit, they have the capacity for love beyond any kind of love that any animal can possess. You have that love for your daughter, "I know I love her", that is with out doubt...On a similar and different note, what challenges us as people is the fact that we have the ability to use language and reason. Our minds have the greatest gift which is to solve problems. For example, if a car doesn't work we THINK "I will take in to a shop and have it FIXED." If a new piece of technology comes out (e.g., IPOD), what do we do we think?: "We need to make it better." If we are trying on clothes and they don't fit, what do we think?: "I can just get a different size, that will FIX it." Now, where this great gift of language and reason falls short is with respect to "fixing" our thoughts. We can't "FIX" our anxiety by just trying on or replacing our thoughts, or FIXING our thoughts with medication,or trying to make our thoughts better (using all positive thoughts when we run into negative feelings). That being said, we CAN reduce fears, reduce anxiety, reduce thoughts of inadequacy, and reduce thoughts of blame if we are "willing" to sit with the thoughts that are just beneath those feelings.... Anxiety, blame, guilt, sadness, and fear are all feelings (behaviors) that all have roots from "thoughts" we have toward a given situation. Being a person who stutters I have expressed those behaviors (feelings)of blame, inadequacy, fear, guilt, anxiety about stuttering, however I've reduced those and keep working toward that reduction by sitting with those thoughts that lie beneahth those feelings, those reactions...Where those thoughts are messy, it is where we don't want to go, however that is exactly where we can find the most room for growth...These are old concepts Katie, dating back over 4 thousand years, however they can be vital to helping each of us walk with the thoughts that challenge us the most and gain "compassion" for ourselves which can lead to reduced reactions like "blame, guilt, and sadness"...These are just my thoughts from readings in contextual psychology and counseling over the past several years...I want to say this again, I admire you as a parent, I admire the amount of love you have for your daughter and family and I am overwhelmed with joy as I think how much people (like yourself) can love! Such a wonderful gift...I wish you all the best and encourage you to write back with any questions or thoughts, I do enjoy conversations. with compassion and kindness, Scott