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From: Pam
Date: 15 Oct 2011
Time: 20:56:41 -0500
Remote Name: 67.248.218.106
Hi Kimberly - great questions. And the answer and story is long. If you'd like, you can read my ISAD paper from 2008 (The Way Found Me) to get the long version, and my paper from 2009 (Things I Learned In Therapy) to learn about my brief stint with therapy in a college clinic setting. The short version is this: I was fired from a job in 2006, from a place that I had been employed for over 20+ years. A new company had come in, and they completely changed the management regime and management style. I got a new boss, who had problems with my "communication style." He told me and colleagues (over 6 months, and then more fervently in the weeks leading up to my termination) that I was an ineffective communicator and role model for the young people I worked with. I repeated words, often was hesitant, looked incompetent, not in control, etc. In essence, what I was doing was stuttering, but I had been so covert and in such denial of being covert that I did not have the courage or confidence to stand up to him. Even when he was blatantly disrespectful to me in meetings in front of colleagues. He would roll his eyes, slap his cheek, loudly sigh in exasperation when I spoke, talk over me, etc, etc. In assemblies with students, when I had to make announcements, when I would stutter and the students laughed or mocked me, he nor no one else would come to my defense or address the students, yet he would address the students immediately if they ever disrespected other staff. Because I was so covert at that point - or thought I was - I never stood up for myself, and just took it. As the stress and humiliation mounted at work, my stuttering increased and became more noticeable, as is the case with lots of people when under more stress. Anyway, I was fired 74 days into a 90 day "corrective action" plan where I was supposed to work on my communication style. By then, peers had told me that he was harassing me because of my stuttering, and that it was illegal. I was so shocked that others knew I stuttered when I thought I had so carefully hidden it. When I was fired, my world as I knew it changed. I was shocked, devastated and depressed. My entire life had centered around this charade I had built of hiding my stuttering and pretending I was OK with it. My social identity disappeared along with the job. I was fired on May 4, 2006. I began therapy in June 2006 for stuttering for the first time ever, in my early forties, and gave my first speech at Toastmasters on May 23, 2006. I joined Toastmasters because I had heard about it, thought it would benefit me (even though I was actually petrified at first), and NEEDED to replace my social network. I also found a local NSA chapter and started attending that. I did not "allow" myself to stutter in therapy or with other stutterers in the support group for over a year, but did so freely in Toastmasters, because I felt strangely liberated. That was 5 years ago. I have now completed and delivered more than 50 speeches to audiences small and large and also serve as an Area Governor in Toastmasters currently. I no longer attend the local stuttering support group or stuttering therapy, as neither one really met my needs. I never felt I needed to be fixed, I just needed to accept myself as who I was. Toastmasters helped me to do that, as well as my own inner reserves of strength, interacting with other people who stutter from all over the world (especially through my podcast and blog), and the help of a really good therapist who has seen me through some pretty significant changes in my life that I could have buckled under, but for some reason seemed to propel me in the right direction. I feel this became a long answer anyway, but hope this helped somewhat. Finding my voice, that was there all along, and realizing I could use it in Toastmasters and be a great communicator, has been a priceless experience for me. ~Pam