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From: Richard
Date: 04 Oct 2012
Time: 23:39:57 -0500
Remote Name: 68.52.199.15
Van Riper said something that really stuck in my mind, it's the free speech we should focus on and the movement of our lips and tongue. The habit I had was whenever a stutter word was approaching or even there in my mouth the desire to do something about it, ie: force the word, change my mouth movement, hold on to the fixation or prolongation, or look away was so strong and engrained I realised by listening to Van Riper and reading his work I couldn't change the way I spoke by means of positive thinking, taking sharp intakes of breath, or distracting my thought pattern to stop the stutter. I needed to be me and rid thinking about my stutter the way I did. Self belief and positive thoughts only lasts until stress takes hold and once it did I would slip back into avoiding words and fearing situations. I would be back into the same old stuttering circle. Denying the problem to others and living with fear just like everyone has fears but wont let on. It's easy to stay away from something that makes you feel insecure, but deep down that fear or insecurity is there hidden from view. Some people turn to religion for that feeling of belonging others join associations. I have knew I could lie to anyone and live with it, however I could no longer carry on lying and living with the insecurity. I don't care what other people think of me any more. The only person I have to live with 24/7 is myself and that feeling when the phone rings or when I have to call someone or talk out load had to stop for myself to feel truly at peace with the way I spoke. Every time I worried about stuttering my mind would focus on what was worrying me and stopped me from moving forward. I would be searching for easier words to say or thinking about why did that word go wrong and what does that person think of me. All of which was a barrier in the way of moving forward. It's very hard to put into words what living without that barrier any longer, I can liken to finding that sole mate. I no longer have to even try to impress anyone. Although speech therapists can feel the pain of the stutterer and want to do everything to take that annoying and shameful stutter away,changing a stutterers thought pattern is down to the stutterer and no one else. Teaching a short term distraction that only works during positive times, but when the stutterer is the only stutterer living amongst hundreds of normal speakers my positivity didn't last long. I found myself wanting to join self help groups so I didn't feel alone as the only stutterer, but there are so many stutterers who it seemed to me to want to live with the pain of being a stutterer locked away and not wanting to touch the snake. I found that even when I attended the self help group, I still had to leave and live my life as the only stutterer amongst the vast majority normal speakers in this world. The group couldn't live within my brain and stop my lonely stuttering feelings. Two weeks of 15 hours intensive self therapy on facing my personal demon was to me a small price to pay to finally to set free from my personal deep rooted fear of stuttering. I do hope all that makes sense and you forgive me for any type rambling or spelling mistakes.