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From: Pamela Mertz
Date: 05 Oct 2012
Time: 13:29:21 -0500
Remote Name: 163.153.6.50
Ryan, THANK YOU. Sounds like we are very similiar. One of the things I have worked hard on in my psychotherapy sessions is what mention, which I think is akin to perfectionism. For the longest time, I beat myself, made my "woes" out to be far so worse than anyone else's could possibly ever be, was overly self-critical and judgemental. In fact, if I am not aware, I still can play the "I shoulda" game. I actually consider myself a work in progress. I indeed think I have arrived at a place where I never thought I would - ie, loving myself, warts and all. But those very human moments still creep in, where I'll get caught in a block or repeat whole words or partial sounds for what seems like forever, and I will have that self-talk with myself. "Geez, now Pam, of all times, in this important talk, you couldn't have switched words to be sure you wouldn't stutter?" I too often think I am walking a tight rope - as I am constantly trying to find that balance. But I guess that's what makes us human. Always looking for that balance, remidning self that we are good and loveable jsut as we are. I too hate my "fake fluency" - I can turn it on when public speaking. When I give a presntation, I slow my rate, and project my voice, and I can be very fluent. But conversationally and on the phone, the "naked" stuttering comes out, and that's more who I am relaly am. Sometimes I am asked if I would go back to speech therapy, so I'd have those tools to help with the "icky" blocks, but actually, I'd prefer not. It takes too much prescious energy to learn and apply unnatural techniques. I'd rather focus on just being happy with who I am. As I continue to battle and settle my demons from the past, I have to constantly remind that little girl that she is safe now, that I have control over my world and that I choose to be happy. It's not just a by-product of waht does or doesn't go on around me. I hope others read this. Good stuff - real stuff - life stuff. Thanks again. ~Pam