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From: Ellen-Marie
Date: 10/3/03
Time: 3:41:06 PM
Remote Name: 172.145.178.210
Thank you, Patti, for giving me an opportunity to be a little clearer about my experiences.
Yes, I would consider myself to be a sensitive person using Libby's definition. From the time I was a child to the present, I have been so described by those who knew and know me (often to express their exaspiration at being exposed to my various expressions of sensitivity!), and I would definitely agree. Living alone now and being able to spend more and more time gardening, painting, writing, and experimenting with different art forms, such as photography and glass blowing, I am the happiest I have ever been. When you knew me, I was an artist masquerading as a scientist. Now, living true to my nature as an artist, my life has a real ease to it, for which I am very grateful. Although being a businesswomen, allows me the opportunity to face real challenges to my sensitive nature often five or more days a week! Smile.
I have had a paralyzing speech anxiety in almost all settings, except those I can thoroughly prepare for, such as lecturing and counseling. I'm not sure I would call what I experienced a phobia, because if I had to talk I would, but I'm not really interested in labeling because I feel, too often, placing a label on a person's behavior short-circuits deep awareness of what is going on and provides an easy and often ineffective way to deal with a problem. I was afraid to talk for what I think were understandable reasons, but, as I mentioned, I did talk if I knew I had to. Once I dealt with the reasons, I began losing my fear of talking. And, now, fear of talking is no longer an issue for me at all.
And, no, I don't think the term "covert" describes my way of stuttering. What I have had and have is a stuttering problem that emerged before the age of three, was never professionally treated, was submerged as I was forced to deal with extremely challenging experiences of personal loss without any professional help, and re-emerged when I was finally able to talk in non-scripted ways about myself. I now stutter when I am very excited or fearful, and I do not hide my stuttering. I let it out, usually in the form of part-word repetitions of 4 or more units, of the initial word or words of a statement, but, occasionally, I have a tense pause with accompanying upward eye gaze. At these times, I stop momentarily, mentally relax by affirming stuttering is no big "whoop" for me, and resume saying what I wanted to say. If I notice the person or people to whom I'm talking look or sound (if on the phone) a little startled, I say something such as, "I have a little stuttering problem" in the matter-of-fact way I feel about my stuttering. They see my comfort with my problem and concern for them about being OK knowing I'm OK. Usually, they then relax at least a bit, and I continue carrying-out my role in whatever setting I'm in, hoping to present myself as an approachable person (which I regret some students at MU did not have a chance to experience) providing useful and/or necessary information. I concentrate on communicating as well as I can with whomever I am with in whatever circumstance rather than wondering what they will think of me if I stutter. I know if I stutter, I am not personally defeated, so I don't concern myself with trying to hide it. So, in my way of thinking, I am not a covert stutterer.
So good to have a chance to communicate with you. Let's do more of it!
Sincerely,
Ellen-Marie