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From: Ellen-Marie Silverman
Date: 10/12/03
Time: 8:27:57 PM
Remote Name: 172.156.206.237
Hi, Betsy,
What an excellent question! I'm so glad you asked that so I can say "Yes," to be clear about where I am at with my stuttering.
As I mentioned, responding to an earlier posting, I'm not very good at anticipating my stuttering. I know I'm more likely to stutter when I'm really excited about sharing an idea or feeling, but I don't even consider that when I'm excited and setting about to share; I'm just thinking about sharing!
Even knowing that, my stuttering takes me by surprise almost every time. Sometimes my initial (usually unspoken) reaction is "Damn. There I go again." Then I say to myself (using self talk) something like, "OK. Just slow down. Breathe. It's OK. Nothing bad will happen. You know what to do. Do I need to reassure the other I'm OK with this?"
I don't like stuttering. I don't like the way it feels. I don't like that it slows me down. But that's when the fruits of my meditation practice help. First, I recognize what I'm feeling and thinking sooner than before I began meditating and immediately set about to deal constructively with that rather than wasting time and energy resisting my thoughts and feelings. I accept my stuttering and deal with it, i.e., putting it in perspective, relaxing, and modifying my respiratory, vocal, and articulatory behavior; calming the person I'm conversing with, if need be. And Second, I don't think about it before or after in everyday life. I may take time to reflect on whether I've been getting enough rest or taking time to meet my nutritional needs or get enough exercise if I do a lot of stuttering one day or in several consecutive days. I just don't attend to the stuttering except in the moment. Stuttering is just a very small part of my life, from my perspective, annoying but no big "whoop."
I hope this helps you understand my experience with stuttering as someone who stutters. Of course, I recognize that not every person who stutters feels as I do.
Ellen-Marie Silverman