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From: Ellen-Marie Silverman
Date: 10 Oct 2006
Time: 12:02:31 -0500
Remote Name: 152.163.100.67
Hello, Janet. Well, first of all I think we all should offer JUDY KUSTER our genuine appreciation for her willingness and hard work to put together and oversee this precious forum that gives us a chance to share and dialogue like no other available to those interested in the problem of stuttering. >>> Now to respond to your request for dealing well with clients who say they want to change but do not respond to suggestions you make nor from written material and the engaging film, "What the Bleep Do We Know?" that you supply them in the hope of "opening them up" to new ways of viewing themselves and the world. (I'm no expert but "Bleep" certainly seems to offer a reasonable short-course on what quantum physics has to say to each one of us about living our lives.) Well, you know, based on both my personal and professional experience and what I've heard from others who help people who say they want to change, this is a common situation. Personal, directed change is hard work, and change in one area of life opens up the real likelihood of change in other areas as well, some of which we may foresee, some of which we may not, none of which we may want to experience. So change also requires tremendous courage. We can not simply change our way of speaking and expect nothing else about us to change. I think subconsciously most of us know that. So, that brings us to the topic of timing. I think the timing has to be right to change where the desire to be different, the commitment to work as much as necessary to realize the change, and the belief in oneself to complete the undertaking and accept all the consequences can be met with sufficient confidence. Here's one example of the effect of timing on change: I thought I should quit smoking in 1963, when the surgeon general's report about the health hazzards of smoking was released to the general public. A friend and I made a pact to quit together to support each other. She stopped for a couple of hours. I stopped for half a day. I really did not want to quit, and neither did she. We thought we should, but we really did not want to. I think we thought at 20 years of age we were immortal. But, for me anyway, the thought had landed that smoking was dangerous. A few years later, when I developed a smoking related cough that brought up disgusting plugs of phlegm and my tongue tip felt irritated by the two packs of cigarettes I smoked each day, I thought once again that I'd better quit. But I was writing my dissertation and knew I could not handle any more stress that what I already had to deal with. So, I made a deal with myself: I would continue to smoke until the day following my final oral examination for the doctorate, and, the very next day, I would quit. That is what I did. Because I was ready to quit, I did with absolutely no problem only relief. The process was long; for years, I'd have an occasional dream that I was tempted to smoke just one cigarette, but I always refused telling myself in my dream that one would lead to another and another, and so on. Occasionally, the scent of a lit cigarette would bring longing. Well, it's been 37 years since I smoked anything. I quit when I did because the time was right for me to do it. To digress just a little: I think a book I just finished reading two days ago by Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche, the teacher of Pema Chodron, entitled, It's Up to You, (Shambhala, 2006) offers sound, practical, very readable direction for adults who say they wish to change something about the way they live. Dzigar Kongtrul knows a lot about personal change and helping us westerners do that, and in the final few lines of the book, he writes, "If you don't take your life into your own hands, not even the buddhas can make a difference. It's up to you." And I believe that is true and that the timing needs to be right. >>> Well, now, how can you be most helpful to your clients who say they want to change but don't give evidence of doing so? My best advice would be to work with them on a contract basis with a distince, mutually agreed upon time line for selected observable change. If they don't meet their goal, renegotiation may be a possibility but, but, after talking with them directly and honestly, they say they would rather not change at this time (and this will be very hard for people to admit, because one - because they probably are hurting emotionally and/or psychologically and long for relief from that pain they don't know how to deal with on their own and two - they don't want to admit they failed, which they really did not and you can help them understand that.), then I see no reason why you would continue to work with them THEN. You could do so later when they give evidence of being ready to do the work required.>>> Janet, I hope this has been of some help. Your question was so basic I've only been able to say a little about what may be some of the more pressing variables and difficulties managing personal change. Don't struggle with it. It's so natural. In Judiasm, there is a saying, "All is foretold, yet free will is given." A common interpretation of that gem is that in due time we all will do what we must to fulfill ourselves. Thank you for your willingness to share. Best, Ellen-Marie