"How
Did The Traffic Light Turn Green?"
By Hazel Percy
The
question "how did the traffic light turn green?" could well be the
first line of a joke! However, I
find the traffic light a very apt metaphor to use when relating my journey
towards overcoming stuttering. My
hope is that, as I tell my story, other people who stutter (PWS) will in some
way find help and encouragement through what I share.
Red
I
am 40 years old, married, live in the UK and have blocked and stuttered since
early childhood. Although mild to
begin with, the problem grew in severity during my teenage years. From that time on, I increasingly felt
stuck on ‘red’ in many areas of my life, unable to move forward
because of my fears around speaking.
As I stuttered in every speaking situation I was in (except when on my
own, although that wasn’t always a totally block-free zone), I felt very
restricted when considering my life choices. For example, my choice of jobs was based not on my abilities
or interests, but on how much speaking would be involved. I chose the easy route of avoidance and
consequently remained in jobs I often found boring, unfulfilling and ‘not
really me’. Whilst at work I
would sometimes avoid making business phone calls and when I did pluck up the
courage to do so, I found it embarrassing, humiliating and a considerable
physical struggle to speak.
Social
situations were difficult too, even in the comfort zone of my own home with
close family and friends. Many a
time I would stay quiet when I had something to say, because I knew that as
soon as I opened my mouth to speak, the physical struggle would begin, leaving
me feeling emotionally and physically drained. If I saw our next door neighbours out in their garden, I
would often avoid speaking to them.
Either I would wait until they had gone back in, before going outside
myself; or I might pretend that I hadn’t seen them, or that I was just
too busy to speak. What must they
have thought! It wasn’t that
I wanted to be unfriendly; I just felt too embarrassed and scared to speak and
stutter in front of them.
Soon
after our first daughter was born, in June 1999, I clearly remember saying to
my husband that he would have to read all the bedtime stories. There was no way I could envisage
myself being able to do it. All in
all, because of my stuttering, I saw myself as being ‘less than’
other people and inadequate as a person.
As a result of this, I would always push myself harder than necessary in
other ways, to try to compensate for my lack of speaking ability.
Being
an overt and relatively severe PWS did however have its advantages. It meant that only on the odd occasion
would I substitute a ‘difficult’ word for an ‘easier’
one. To me, all words could be
difficult to say, so most of the time I saw no point in trying to change
them! The only exception to that
being our wedding day, when the fear of stuttering in front of so many people
was so high. On that occasion, the
marriage ceremony was re-worded in such a way that all I had to say on my own
was ‘I do’, then repeat some words in unison with my husband to be,
which of course I had no difficulty in doing.
Being
this way in the world gave me great motivation to try and change the way things
were. In my teens I had several
sessions of traditional speech therapy, but these proved to be unhelpful. Also, in my twenties I attended several
courses in the UK run by someone who had overcome his own stuttering problem. Although this was of some help, in that
it allowed me to converse more easily with close family and friends, the
speaking method I was taught was so abnormally slow that it was often
impractical and difficult to use in real life outside situations. Over time, I gradually let go of it and
returned to my old ways.
However,
in September 2000 when I was 34 years old, my life took a dramatic turn. I heard about the McGuire Programme; a
programme that addresses both physical and psychological aspects of stuttering,
and felt that I should give it a go.
After all, I had absolutely nothing to lose. It was during my first course that I believe I changed from
‘Red to ‘Amber’.
Amber
For
me, the ‘Amber’ stage lasted nearly 5 years and was a time of
change in many ways. It was also a
time of preparation, to enable me to change further and move on to
‘Green,’ or ‘Go’;
but more about that later.
Joining the McGuire Programme gave me the first taste I had had in years,
of what life could be like without blocking and stuttering. During the four day course I heard
myself speaking with a freedom I had only dreamt about; not only in the
‘classroom setting’, but out on the streets with the general public
and even public speaking in the town square! For the first time since early childhood, I knew that I was
physically able to say the exact words I wanted to say whilst in the presence
of another person; and that was a strange and wonderful experience for me! From that point on, I knew my life
would never be the same again; and it wasn’t.
On
returning home, I found that I was able to maintain my newly found freedom in a
fair number of speaking situations.
However, at the same time I found it physically and mentally tiring to
do so, and sometimes I would look at other ‘normal fluent speakers’
and wonder; "why do I have to use all this physical effort to speak, when
others can speak so easily?"
Furthermore, despite my best efforts, I sometimes found it hard to
maintain my newly learnt technique in certain situations; and I didn’t
understand why!
At
the time, I believed that stuttering was caused by some sort of physical brain
malfunction, and that controlling the physical behaviour was the only way
forward. Also I was pretty much
oblivious to any thoughts I had prior to blocking. Over the years, they had grown outside my conscious
awareness. Furthermore, although I
always felt anxious and tense before and during blocking/stuttering, I in no
way equated these as being contributory factors to the cause of the behaviour. However, my eyes were soon to be well
and truly opened when in 2003, I read John Harrison’s book ‘How to
Conquer Your Fears of Speaking Before People’.
For
me, John’s book answered a lot of questions about the nature of blocking
and stuttering; and for the first time in my life, I changed the belief that my
speech problem was being caused by some incurable brain disorder. Instead, I came to believe that it was
a self-supporting system (‘stuttering hexagon’) which I had created
and sustained over many years.
John’s story of his own recovery and his unique insight into the
problem, brought real hope to me that one day I could be completely free
too!
Having
been very inspired by John’s book, it also threw a spanner in the works
for me. Knowing what I now knew, what course of action should I now take? Should I change direction in my
recovery? After all, I was going
along the road of controlling the blocking symptoms, but what if that
wasn’t the right way forward for me? And so began several months of inner conflict and turmoil
as, with John’s support and help, I began to think this issue
through. Although I remained
loosely connected to the McGuire Programme, I was very unsure of the right path
to take. Things came to a head in
June 2004, whilst having a meal in a large room of 100 people or more. Everyone seemed to be chatting away and
having a good time; all except me.
There was I, sat at the table, feeling frustrated and trapped; so afraid to be seen openly
stuttering in front of people.
Something had to change - and soon!
Around
that time I started looking on the internet, to see what else was ‘out
there’ to help PWS and came across the neurosemantics web-site. I started reading the articles there
about blocking/stuttering and was soon addicted to reading everything I could
on the subject! What I read made
so much sense to me and furthered my understanding of blocking.
Tim
Mackesey’s testimony particularly caught my attention and during the
summer of 2004, I arranged to have several telephone consultations with
him. It was during these that I
first started applying neurosemantic/NLP patterns to my speech problem. Tim led me through various patterns
including the Drop Down Through and the Meta Yes/Meta No. However, what I found most helpful at
that time was Time-Line Re-imprinting.
Using this pattern I spent considerable time alone at home, reframing
past hurtful memories of blocking.
I also gave any hurt I still felt in relation to these, to my highest
spiritual resource, and forgave the other people involved for any hurt they had
inadvertently caused me. Of course
I also needed to forgive myself; for I realised that more often than not,
through my ‘mind-reading’, I had judged my listener far too
harshly!
As
a consequence of doing this, and with Tim’s help, I gradually began to
change my perceptions of other people and in particular, of their reactions if
I stuttered. Also I decided to do
an experiment. Over several weeks,
I telephoned numerous shops and businesses; making general and fairly short
enquiries, whilst deliberately allowing myself to openly stutter. The aim was to observe how my listeners
reacted to my non-fluency. I have
to admit that I was amazed at the result!
Nine times out of ten, there was no reaction whatsoever. People listened and appeared to be more
interested in what I had to say, rather than how I was saying it! The only reaction I did notice was the
occasional ‘‘pardon’’, if they hadn’t quite
caught what I’d said.
Similarly, I made several enquiries in local shops. I always maintained eye contact
throughout, smiled, looked as confident as I could, and said what I wanted to
say. Again I allowed myself to openly stutter, and again people seemed to
respect me and listened to what I had to say.
Also
around this time, I enrolled on a public speaking course at my local college,
which consisted of 30 evening classes held over a year. My aim was to further desensitise
myself to stuttering in front of a group of people. As the course progressed, I discovered from the feedback I
received, that I could come across as confident, relaxed and sound interesting,
even though I stuttered. My prior
judgement of other people’s reactions to my stuttering had been totally
wrong, and as a result, my perceptions changed. Other people were simply other people, just like me, no
doubt with their own worries and problems. Of course, I know there is a minority of people in this
world who aren’t so patient and understanding when faced with PWS (maybe
through their own lack of knowledge about stuttering), but how they react is
totally their responsibility.
When
the sessions with Tim ended, I was again faced with the dilemma of what to do
next. I was still very much
interested in neurosemantics but was also very aware that I needed to uncover
the negative thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and emotions that were underlying
my blocking. For at that time, I
had very little idea what they were.
In due course I contacted John Harrison again, and via e-mail he helped
to steer my thinking in such a way that I began to get a glimpse of what was
really going on under the surface.
John also suggested that I join the
‘neurosemanticsofstuttering’ e-mail list. So in December 2004 I subscribed; and wasn’t that the
right decision!
And
so began six months of very deep thinking! I had so many questions to ask, and found that the answers I
got from various people on the list were really insightful, helpful and very
thought provoking. Then came the
night of January 8th 2005!
Lying in bed, it was as if the floodgates of my mind suddenly
opened! It felt as if a torrent of
buried negative beliefs and perceptions about myself came rushing to the
surface all at once. Among other
things, it became clear that I was always craving for other people’s
approval of me (a sign of low self-esteem). Also, I feared social rejection and felt inadequate as a
person because I stuttered. This
process continued on and off throughout the night. Of course I had to write it all down, so by the morning I
felt a bit of a wreck! I also felt
quite overwhelmed by it all. Here
in front of me, was a huge mountain of negative ‘stuff’ relating to
myself and my blocking that needed to be dealt with. For a few moments I thought I was going to ‘lose
it!’ But I managed to keep
my sanity (I think J). I realised that I needed to work through
all of this with a therapist, and because Bob Bodenhamer and myself share the
same Christian faith, I felt that I should approach him.
In
due course I had several telephone consultations with Bob, over a period of
five months. I realised that I had intertwined my identity as a person with my
blocking and stuttering behaviour, and they needed separating. During the sessions, Bob would often
have me associate into a memory relating to blocking (sometimes from
childhood), then lead me through the Drop Down Through Pattern. I was utterly amazed at the negative
thoughts, feelings and identity statements that came to mind, as I dropped down
through each layer. Some I
didn’t even believe, until Bob explained that they were coming from the
child part of me. Then I applied
my highest spiritual resource to each of the negative thoughts, feelings and
identity statements. As I did so,
the latter disappeared and were replaced with positive and more powerful ones.
I continued this process at home also, working through other memories as and
when they came to mind. In this
way, my identity as a person gradually became separated from my blocking
behaviour. As a result of this, I
realised that I was a person of worth no matter how I talked, and that I no
longer needed other people’s approval of me.
Following
on from the sessions with Bob, I continued to spend more time mentally in the
presence of my highest resource.
As I did so, this new perception of myself was reinforced, and my
self-esteem increased further. But
then I reached a point yet again when I wasn’t sure what the next stage
was. I now felt OK as a person and
had positive beliefs about myself, even though I stuttered. But I was still stuttering on most
words, although by this stage, the
blocks were short and with very little tension. Perhaps being a bit of a sceptic, I wasn’t convinced
that the blocking behaviour would naturally fade away that easily! I also began to miss hearing myself
speaking relatively fluently at least some of the time. So I decided to become more committed
to the McGuire Programme again; a decision that I know was the right one for
me. Gradually, with the help of
friends on the programme, I started to regain more fluency but I still felt
there was something missing.
In
September 2005, I attended Bob’s ‘Mastering Blocking and Stuttering
Workshop’ in London. It was
excellent and as I listened to the teaching and took part in the group work, I
realised that I had indeed changed on the inside. It confirmed the fact that I had quite radically changed the
beliefs about myself over recent months, and that my identity as a person was
definitely no longer related to how I spoke.
I
also found being led through the Power Zone Pattern really helpful. It reinforced in my mind, the fact that
I and I alone have control over what I think and feel, and how I behave and
speak. I also realised how
important it was to give other people permission to own their powers too,
instead of trying to ‘mind-read’ what they may or may not be
thinking. Although what other
people thought of me was now no longer a key-issue in my life, it was good to
be reminded of this.
At
the workshop, I had the privilege of meeting John Harrison for the first
time. Over the past couple of
years or so, he had got to know ‘where I was at’ speech-wise, and
as we spoke he made the observation that I was holding myself back,
particularly in relation to my volume.
Having had years of stuttering, I had grown accustomed to speaking in a
fairly quiet voice (or not speaking at all!). I usually didn’t want to be noticed or stand out in a
crowd, especially when I spoke.
However, I didn’t think this had much significance. To me it sounded natural to speak that
way because I had always done it.
But I trusted John’s insight and so, at the end of one of the
day’s sessions, I allowed him to lead me through a volume experiment, in
front of a few of the other participants.
This involved doubling my volume several times and then observing my,
and other people’s perception of how I was coming across.
I
found that experiment immensely valuable.
I realised that my perception of how I sounded when I spoke was
considerably different from other people’s. I thought I was coming on too strong and too loud but they
thought I just sounded more confident and more alive when I spoke. I decided that after the course ended,
I would start using a ‘bigger’ voice in the outside world and see
what effect that would have. I
also realised that I needed to practise putting more expression into my voice. Again, having stuttered for so many
years, I had never developed this ‘skill’. My only concern had been; "how do
I get these words out?" As a
result, I had grown accustomed to talking in a rather monotone way.
Something
else that John said during one of the sessions really struck a chord with
me. He emphasised that blocking
could also be seen as a form of holding back, of sucking in one’s energy
in an attempt to blend into the background and become
‘invisible’. I
recognised that this had certainly been true in my case over the years. I had always had reservations about
putting the ‘real me’ on show too much, even in non-speaking
situations. By this stage too, I
had pretty much desensitised myself to blocking and stuttering in front of
people. I no longer felt
embarrassed, and didn’t particularly fear doing it in front of people;
yet the behaviour was still there, and it was an inconvenient way of expressing
myself!
Of
course the opposite of holding back is letting go, and I realised that by speaking
in a louder voice, I would be doing just that. But I now felt ready to take that next step. So as I returned home, I turned up the
volume! At first it felt really
strange and overly loud to me, but as I kept persevering with it over several
weeks, I gradually got more used to it.
I also noticed that when I did speak in a louder voice, I felt more
confident and actually found it easier to speak. I then started to enjoy speaking in the new way and
eventually reached the point of preferring it to the old!
With
increased confidence, I decided it was now time to tackle the one and only
speaking situation that I was still avoiding. Since joining the McGuire Programme, I had more or less
given up the practise of avoiding situations, though sometimes I postponed
going into them! However,
there was one situation involving speaking in front of a particular small group
of people, which I had been intending to go into for months. Yet when the time came, I always
‘chickened out’. I
hadn’t been following through my intentions and I knew that this was
having a negative effect on my ‘hexagon’. So one evening I took the plunge; and as I did so, it
wasn’t half as scary as I’d imagined. In fact I quite enjoyed it and have been frequently entering
and speaking in that situation ever since. No more situation avoidance for me! I was pleased with the progress I was
making; yet just around the corner there was another surprise in store for me!
Last
November, I went on my first McGuire Programme course in nearly five
years. Again I realised just how
much I’d changed during that time.
I now felt much more comfortable speaking with people; not just people
on the course, but absolutely anyone!
I also took on board two more tools. During the course the instructor, Martin Coombs, emphasised
the need to use ‘deliberate dysfluency’; that is, choosing to
prolong the first sound of a word or words, or imitating a block, immediately
releasing it and saying the word again.
The point of this was to advertise ourselves as people recovering from
stuttering, but in a dignified and controlled way, without genuinely
blocking. As he spoke, I realised
that I felt uncomfortable about doing that. It was one thing to not mind stuttering in front of other
people, but it was really ‘pushing the boat out’ to put in extra
pretend blocks and stutters that wouldn’t normally be there! But I realised the fact that I felt
uncomfortable, indicated that I needed to do it!
Secondly,
we were shown a way to deepen the tone of our voice whilst saying a word, which
I found very helpful. Although I
was already aware of these two tools, I had never really put them into
practice. With these two extra
tools now to hand, I returned home and started putting into practise what
I’d learn’t. It was then
that I realised that during that course, everything had come together for
me. I had turned a corner and had
changed from ‘Amber’ to ‘Green’, or ‘Go!’
Green
As
I started to use deliberate dysfluency in every speaking situation and became
even more open about my stuttering, I discovered just how empowering that
was! I was now in the driving
seat. I could choose to prolong or
not prolong whichever sounds I liked.
Or I could imitate a block and release it, without experiencing the
real, ‘out of control’ blocking. It was so liberating and fun to do! I was also outwardly demonstrating to
people that I was someone who sometimes stutters, but in the way that I chose.
I also discovered that I now had an insatiable desire to talk and talk and
talk!
As
the days went by, I noticed that there was a consistency in the way I
spoke. I went into all sorts of
situations and was able to maintain my new way of speaking most of the time. Furthermore, I no longer found it the
great physical and mental effort that I had five years ago. This time round it felt a lot more
natural and easier to me; I think, because of the internal changes that had
taken place in my mind.
I
started going along to Toastmasters and on the second occasion, was invited to
take part in the table topics session.
I jumped at the chance!
I got up and spoke in front of 30 or so people I hardly knew, using
deliberate dysfluency, and gave a short humorous talk. My speaking was absolutely fine. In fact I was even voted the best table
topics speaker of the evening! In
December, I read out a poem in front of some 400 people at church. Again, everything went great and I
loved every minute of it! And so
it has continued.
Sometimes
I have the occasional minor ‘hiccup’ here and there, but nothing
serious and it in no way affects my everyday life. If I do notice myself starting to hold back for whatever
reason, I either reframe the situation while I’m in it, or analyse
afterwards what was going on in my mind.
I always find that some slight approach/avoidance conflict had been
going on. Sometimes it has merely
been the fact that as I’ve started to present myself differently in a
speaking situation, I’ve been aware of displaying the ‘real
Hazel’ like never before; and because that’s a fairly new
experience for me, it’s felt uncomfortable. As a result, I’ve sometimes had the slight tendency to
try and block out those feelings by holding myself back. However, I realise that I need to allow
myself to feel uncomfortable; it is only a feeling! Also, I know that the more I do this, the easier it will
get. Whatever the reason for
holding back, I learn from the experience and then take whatever action is necessary
the next time I’m in a similar situation.
As
I look back over the past five years, I realise that at different stages,
I’ve been addressing each point of my ‘stuttering hexagon’
and making each one more positive.
Neurosemantics in particular has played a key role in helping me to
change my beliefs about myself, and my perceptions of other people. At this point, I’d like to take
the opportunity to thank Bob and Tim for all their help and for all that they
do to help PWS. I’d also like
to thank John too, whose unique insight has tremendously influenced and helped
me, particularly in the area of my perceptions and emotions. And of course all my colleagues and
friends on the McGuire Programme, who have helped, supported and inspired me in
so many ways.
I’m
very aware that this new way of speaking and presenting myself to the world continually
needs to be reinforced day by day, so that eventually it becomes habituated and
second nature. Which is why I now
enjoy pushing out my comfort zone and making the most of every speaking
opportunity. For example, whenever
I’m in a shop I will usually start chatting with the shop assistant
(providing there isn’t a long queue behind me!). If I’m in a queue waiting to pay
for something, I will often pass the time of day with the person in front or
behind me. And I love chatting
with the parents at the school gate, when I pick my children up each day.
How
different life is now! Instead of
waking up each morning with a sense of heaviness, wondering how I’m going
to get through each speaking situation, I now wake up looking forward to
enjoying speaking as much as possible.
At last, I am able to show other people my true colours!
©
Hazel Percy, January 2006