Grief

Many college students have already experienced a death before they come to college. Some experience a death of someone close to them during their college years. If the death of a loved one occurs during the college years, it can be a more difficult time because the student may be living away from others who are experiencing this same loss and may not know other students well enough to get the support that he/she may need. The following information about bereavement and grief may be of help to a student grieving the death of a loved one as well as to the friends and family of the student grieving the loss.

What are the common effects when a person grieves?

Grieving the loss of a loved one can have a variety of effects. The following are only some of the examples of these effects:

• Cognitive: memory and concentration difficulties, forgetfulness, confusion, preoccupation with the loss, sensation that the person who died is somehow present.
• Behavioral: crying, accident proneness, alcohol or drug abuse, lack of motivation, social withdrawal, sexual difficulty/disinterest, blaming others.
• Physical: tightness in the chest and throat, dry mouth, fatigue, sighing, dizziness, rapid heartbeat, breathlessness/shallow breathing, weakness (especially in legs), change in pitch or volume of voice, disturbances in sleep and/or appetite, nausea.
• Emotional: sadness, anger, irritability/moodiness, feeling guilty, critical of self, loss of self-esteem, anxiety, fear, helplessness, relief, freedom, longing, numbness.

What does one go through during a normal grieving process?

Grief is a natural response to death and is often described as a journey or a process. The responses to grief are part of the normal recovery process. It is important to know that each person grieves in their own way and on their own timetable, and it is important not to judge others for how they grieve. An example of differences in grieving is that women tend to talk more about their loss and to seek support from others whereas men are more likely to grieve in more private and solitary ways.

Although there is no uniform succession of phases through which a bereaved person will pass, certain responses are common following the death of a loved one. These responses may be felt in varying degrees of intensity, and people are sometimes surprised by how intense these responses can be.

A bereaved person's first reaction is often one of shock, numbness, and even denial of the reality of the death. These responses can occur even when the death is expected. After the shock wears off, there is often a need to release the emotions which have been building up inside. This may include crying and vivid dreams. A period of despair often occurs which may include sadness and the lack of the ability to feel pleasure. One might also notice many physical symptoms such as sleep and appetite disturbances, dizziness, weakness, fatigue, and restlessness. The bereaved person may feel anger and irritability toward others and may alienate those people they need the most. Self-reproach and guilt are common. Anxiety (including panic attacks) as well as feelings of fear can be experienced. There is often a hesitancy to return to the regular routine of living. It is also common for the bereaved to frequently review and relive memories of the deceased and the events leading up to the death. Healing of those memories and acceptance of the loss will gradually occur as the grief process runs its natural course.

What are the tasks of mourning?

Dr. William Worden in his classic book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, defines mourning in terms of the following tasks to be accomplished:

1. accepting the reality of the loss;
2. experiencing the pain of the grief;
3. adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is missing (willing to do things differently); and
4. withdrawing emotional energy from the deceased and reinvesting it back into life and the living.

What can help the grief process?

The following suggestions can facilitate the grief process:

• Be kind to yourself. Avoid extra responsibilities. Set small goals. Expect and accept some reduction in your efficiency, consistency, and energy.
• Be patient with yourself. In coping with death, it is important to accept the natural grief process. There is no shortcut through grief. There is no timetable for grief.
• Realize that there is no right way to grieve. People grieve in their own ways.
• Consider talking to someone who will listen to your story or with whom you can share your emotions. This may be a friend, spouse, relative, spiritual leader. Many churches and communities have support groups and support networks for the bereaved. Realize also that some people choose to work through their grief alone and find solitude to be a healing antidote for them.
• Consider participating in religious and cultural rituals (attending the wake, funeral, etc.) or in familial and personal rituals (visiting the grave site, lighting a candle).
• Stay in the routines of your life as much as possible. Avoid making sudden or major decisions.
• Remember the basics. It is helpful to maintain good nutrition and healthy sleep habits. Exercise regularly in moderation. Minimize or avoid drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.

When should a bereaved person seek counseling?

Grief can be viewed as a normal, though intense, form of sadness. The following are examples of when to consider seeking counseling:

• Feeling ''stuck'' in the grief process
• Not having a support person/system
• Feeling that your day-to-day functioning is impaired
• Feeling intensely depressed or worthless
• Having obsessive thoughts of death or feeling suicidal
• Feeling that you cannot cope and that you are becoming a burden to others
• Feeling emotionally numb or feeling panicked or frenzied
• Going to extremes to avoid thinking about the loss such as abusing drugs or alcohol or becoming totally immersed in school or work to the exclusion of everything else

Does the grief process ever end?

Grief is often a long-term process. It sometimes feels that it will go on indefinitely and that there will be no end to the sorrow. Grieving, of course, will never change the facts of the loss nor erase the memories of the loved one. When the grief process is allowed to work, however, the intense hurt does subside and the bereaved person can go on to live a full life. Some people even report feeling strengthened following the death of a loved one because the loss caused them to pause and to re-examine their lives.