News Highlights

Student in college affects younger brothers, sisters

Hole in the family

An older brother or sister who goes away to college leaves a gap in the family that can affect both siblings, as a Minnesota State Mankato student and his brother point out.

2007-06-11
By Gail Rosenblum, Star Tribune staff writer [published in the Star Tribune, Minneapolis, MN, 6/9/2007]

College-bound students aren't the only members of the family dealing with a healthy dose of anxiety. Siblings left behind have their own adjustments to make.

Ann Benson, 19, made a special friend during her senior year at Edina High School: her younger sister, Emily.

Though the two grew up together and shared a bedroom for about a decade, it was during Ann's senior year that the sisters became especially close. They performed together on Edina's synchronized swimming team, listened to the same music, watched the same TV shows.

So it was especially hard on Emily, 14, when Ann left for Middlebury College in Vermont last fall. "I didn't expect it to be too different but, like, there's no one in the house," said Emily, an eighth-grader at Valley View Middle School. "When my parents are away, it was just my sister and me."

Ann missed Emily, too. "It was hard not knowing what she was up to, how school was going ... not being able to hear her stories."

Plenty of press is devoted to parents struggling to let go when their kids go off to college. And college-bound students are inundated with information on how to navigate newly independent lives filled with eccentric roommates, heavy course loads and food that doesn't resemble anything they ate at home. But other members of the household -- younger siblings -- are often ignored during this potentially huge upheaval, even though their own separation anxiety can be intense.

Kathy Zamostny, a staff psychologist in the counseling center at the University of Maryland, said that when an older child leaves for college, "it leaves a hole in the family unit," which requires attention and adjustment.

For example, siblings on the home front might suddenly lose a prized confidante and role model. If they're now the oldest kid in the house, they may be handed new responsibilities and expectations. The daily rhythm of family life, from what's stocked in the refrigerator to who drops by to hang out to how late the TV stays on, can seem out of whack. Even the dinner table can seem sadly quiet, at least for a few weeks until a new normal is created.

But Zamostny and others are quick to add that not everything about the transition is painful. The family car suddenly might be more available. Siblings finally might get the bathroom all to themselves, or more undivided attention from mom and dad.

Bryant Comfort, 16, of New Prague moved into brother Mitch's bigger bedroom when Mitch left for Minnesota State in Mankato. But the biggest boon, said Mitch, is that their years apart (Mitch is now a senior) nurtured their tightest bond ever.

"Because of our age difference, we weren't real close when I left," said Mitch, 22. "There was no real anxiety at that point." Over the years, though, the brothers kept in touch about once a week via cell phone and instant messages. Bryant has spent a few weekends with Mitch at his apartment, playing video games, watching hockey and ordering pizza.

"If he has something he wants to talk about, and he doesn't want to talk to our parents, I'm the first one he calls," Mitch said. Mitch, too, benefits from the maturing relationship. "I don't take him for granted as much," he said.

As difficult as the move away can be for siblings, the brief returns home can be an adjustment, too. College students might expect to take over their old spaces and return to old habits. They'll want to see their friends -- NOW! -- which can be hurtful to younger siblings who have been pining for them for months.

When Ann Benson came home for holidays, Emily quickly discovered that "it was kind of different. You have to re-adjust, having to share stuff, like space." It was tough, too, Emily said, "when you wanted to spend a lot of time with her and she was with her friends." Ann discovered something, too. "She did go through a few of my clothes when I was gone."Um, yeah," Emily said.

The happy news is that Ann will be home all summer and they're planning some special sister time before Ann returns to school.

Planning, in fact, is a swell idea and it's not too soon to start, said Rosalyn Eaton-Neeb, associate dean for first-year students at St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minn. Sometime over the summer, she suggests, give your kids money and send them out to dinner or on a special outing together. No parents allowed.

As the time gets closer for your college student to leave, there's nothing wrong with asking siblings, "What are you worried about with your sister or brother leaving?" This gives you an opportunity to talk about ways to lessen their anxiety and point out the benefits of moving up in the family food chain.

But make sure the younger sibling understands that college life can be intense and that life is changing for everyone, Eaton-Neeb said.

"It's probably good to remind the older sibling to say, 'I don't love you any less. You're still so important to me and we are still going to be here for each other. But college life is going to be busy.' "

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