The word "gift" has two different meanings in the Swedish language: "marriage" and "poison". There have been many discussions whether stuttering is a gift or a curse. In many ways, stuttering has been like "poison" to me. It has given me mental and physical pain and in my younger years when I wished to be mute (or even dead) rather than stutter. Giving you examples of what stuttering has put in my way would take up the whole conference space. I would give a lot to get rid of my stuttering.

But -- not all.

I do have lots of blessings in my life, some as the direct result of my stutter, including friends and a bunch of happy moments combined with developing guts and stubbornness probably as the result of stuttering. I have no idea who I'd be if I didn't stutter. I might be a know-it-all, a pain in the butt never knowing when to shut up or just a nobody amongst millions of other fluent speaking people.

But there are several examples of how stuttering has turned into a profit for me:

• I booked a flight on the internet for a stuttering conference in Vienna. When I got to the airport my name was not on the list, but she checked me in anyway since I did have a ticket in my hand. When I checked in in Vienna, my name was not on the list this time either. The check-in lady showed me that I booked a flight for February and it was now March! I explained that the lady in Gothenburg hadn't noticed my booking mistake and let me through, but this lady claimed I should have checked my ticket before I left and that the flight was full so I would have to go stand-by and buy a new ticket. After a weekend of stuttering and hardly any sleep, I started to stutter - a lot - and suddenly saw the agony in the woman's eyes because of all my stuttering. So I put my stuttering into top gear and guess what -- suddenly there was a place available, free of charge!
• After facing most of my fears there was still one left -- school. I gave speeches from pre-school children to European Union politicians, but giving a speech to teachers, especially in a classroom, still brought me to my knees. I registered in a school for adults but discovered I could only get a grant if I marked the box indicating I had a disability. I did mark the box and wrote down I stutter and got a two-year scholarship! The next two years were amazing. Students and teachers were so supportive. They cheered me to reach the highest grades and I finally dared to talk to them about my stutter. A few weeks after I graduated they asked me to be a teacher. They had reread my goodbye poem explaining how important these years and these people were to my stuttering self and heard stories from other students on how I helped them, explaining homework in a slow and clear way (to reduce my stutter). I'm still there, now teaching IT, English and Swedish.
• Since I advertise about my stutter, I'm never bored. When I want someone to talk to, I simply ask where they are from and when they return the question and somehow bring the subject to stuttering. And with my stuttering buttons (I Stutter! What are you good at?) always on my jacket, I can choose either to hide them or show them, depending on how interesting (or handsome!) the person next to me seems to be. If I don't want to talk, I simply stutter like crazy!

"Stamning är gift" could be translated with "stuttering is marriage" or "stuttering is poison." I guess both are true for me. Stuttering poisoned my life in many ways, especially my youth and social life and I still have moments I curse it out loud, wishing there were a magic pill. At times the struggle of stuttering stops me from doing and saying what I want to, stops me from being taken seriously and makes me have to prove myself in many situations. On the other hand, I met a guy at the NSA convention who, in tears, told me he was just about fluent and was so scared he would no longer be allowed to be a part of the stuttering community that has been such a major part of his life. Those words touched my heart and I hope I will meet and hug him at many stuttering conventions for years to come. I too am married to my stutter. Some days it's hard, some days it's OK. It's a part of my life and I would feel strange without it, as I too would miss all the things I do and the friends I have today. My stutter, as well as the difficulties I've had to face because of it, turned me into a strong, self confident, stubborn woman who won't allow anyone to stand in her way anymore, after years of blood, sweat and tears.

But please, if I ever lose my stutter and you find it, don't try to return it to me.

You can post Questions/comments about the above paper to the author before October 22, 2008.