The Space Inside My Name


1.

My name
on my tongue

anticipation
of two sweet
syllables

the edgy bounce
of J
promising a leap
into a luscious
vowel

then stopping
and waiting
tugging on my teeth
pushing my tongue
upwards
jumping down
my throat

and lodging---




2.

They ran
in circles
when I tried to speak;

my mother
covering
her ears

my brother
fleeing to his
room
and slamming
the door

cats with their
backs arched

Only my father sat still
in his chair
waiting
to see
if the knife
he used to slice
my words
in half

was lodged
securely




3.

There were people
who tried



enunciate each
word

to trick me
slowly, like

sitting
you're talking in
slow motion

on some
cold table
tell me a story

behind frosted
glass
about

as if
I'd open my mouth
your mother

for just
anyone




4.

the kitchen table
half eaten dinner
we're going to talk

sheen of sweat shining
on his scalp
like you so

my mother quiet
lips tight and turning
white
you know what

a flicker
of dark joy
you sound like when

in my stomach
when I saw I could
slide the knife
you talk that way

out of my mouth
in broad daylight
and drive it
maybe then

through him
you'll stop





5.

My mother
in the consuming
quiet

between the first
consonant
and the rest of my name

all of this
patience

like her hands
scrubbing potatoes
folding
the warm clothes
again
taking off her shoes
rubbing the soles of her feet
after work
wondering why
all the silence
keeping the question
to herself




6.

They don't know

Jewish
good looks
legs that run
until you open

over thirty miles
each week
above average
intelligence
what if
I changed my name
your mouth

to silence?

copyrighted and added with permission of the author
April 23, 1999