added August 4, 2001

For a long time I was a loner and didn't have many friends. I just couldn't talk to people I wasn't really comfortable with. Then my freshmen year in high school I discovered drama. The first time I got up on the stage to say my lines it was like magic. NO stutter at all. Not a bit. The words just seemed to flow off my tongue. For the first time in my life I could say what I meant and not worry at all.

And I found that I could take the confidence I learned on stage with me. I think it was the knowledge I could be someone who didn't stutter that gave me the courage to do all the things I wanted to do. It was the flirty Dorcas from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" who talked to that cute guy in class, or brave Hodel from "Fiddler on the Roof" who joked and laughed with her friends.

I still stutter but it's not so bad now. My best friend in the world finishes my sentences for me when I get in trouble and I like it. It makes me feel good to know somebody knows exactly what I mean. I just graduated with honors from high school. I'm going off to college soon and I know I'm going to be okay. I dated my first boy, got my first kiss, starred in my first play, and learned that stuttering is not who I am. I was able to make some very close friends who love me and and care about me. All because of a speech therapist and the stage. Acting opened up so many doors for me. I just wanted other people to know that they can help themselves and be who they are and not worry about what other people think.

added August 3, 2001

I hate it. Now it is very bad. It's never been so bad before. I can`t say a sentence without stupid sounds coming out of my mouth. I cannot stop them. Sometimes I feel like suffociating. My granparents told me to stop those embrassing sounds and stutter freely. I couldn`t say a word, somehow managed to squeeze my lips into a polite smile and quickly walked away, bursting into tears.

Other people tell me to arrange the words in my mind before I start to say something. That really annoyes me. For goodness sake - I know EXACTLY what I want to say.

They also say: ,,Take a deep breath." That doesn't help either. I breathe in deeply - and the lot of air gets stuck and can`t go out with the words.

Well, people surely don't mean it badly. It's my fault, that I don`t (and can`t) explain them, how things are.

Kids who stutter aren't stupid. Kids, who laugh at them, are. But I`m sure they aren't really bad. Don't give it up, guys!!!

Have you ever wondered what it's like to hold back from speaking out loud? This is my story of trying to overcome this fear. I stutter. Stuttering is a disorder that makes talking difficult. Sometimes it is hard to get the words out. My stuttering includes holding on to a sound or word, or repeating a sound or word which makes my speech sound like it's chopped up. My voice will get lower and sometimes the words just get stuck and don't want to come out. So, I have to use another word or I just say "never mind" and go on to another subject. Stuttering is very frustrating and it can bring you down to very low self-esteem. In the past I would force myself to speak in front of the class when I had no other choice. For example, when I was taking speech sophomore year, if I could have avoided speaking I would have. The first speech that I gave went excellent when I had to bring in three things about myself and present it to the class. My fluency went well, the pitch of my voice was good, and everyone heard and understood everything I said. I was so happy that day, I told everyone I knew about how good that speech went. After the first speech the rest of them did not go as I expected they would. My fluency was not good at all. I felt that I should have done as well as I did on the first speech. I felt depressed and mad and that I should have been more prepared for the rest of them like the first one.

Now, these days my stuttering has improved in a lot of areas, but it is still hard. I learned that when I get enough rest and am more prepared, my fluency is a lot better. When I want to participate in discussions I sometimes still hold back. When I talk in front of the class I still struggle. Even though I am still struggling I still participate. My hope is that I can control my stuttering better and communicate better in group and class discussions. In the future I hope that I can encourage people that hold back because of their stuttering to be more confident.

added March 8, 2010